The Reality of My Double Life

I live a double life upon this earth.

By day, I am wife, mom, educator, business woman, etc.

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I am also a visionary—at least in my head.

I am blessed, but I am also frustrated.

There is a reality to being a visionary: actual accomplishment takes more than a vision.   It takes commitment, action, and it takes sacrifice.   It also takes boldness, because a vision stretches you in places that make you uncomfortable and uncertain.   That, in and of itself, is scary.

Sometimes it is easy to mask fear or anxiety with procrastination.   And as I suspect that at least one more visionary (at least in your head) will agree, we put off doing a certain thing because the truth is that we don’t have a clue what to do.   How to get started seems creates a mountain of questions for which we have no tools to even begin the climb.   But, because we are busy people, and as Believers in Christ, we know enough scripture to ‘occupy ‘til He comes’ (Luke 19:13), we do things.

Of course, it is appropriate to do things.  After all, we are still spouses, lovers, wives, mothers, sisters, church workers, and individuals.

But, in the flurry of activity, and with our propensity toward what Stephen Covey calls the ‘urgent and important’ or the ‘not urgent and not important,’ we sometimes miss purpose.

Truthfully, I have spent years in this place, doing what needed to be done, and comforting myself in the thought that I was “ministering” to those around me.   Yet, I somehow felt as if I was losing the window to fulfill my assignment, and instead, spinning my wheels endlessly, like a hamster.

I needed to move out of that cycle.

So I have worked semi-feverishly in the last quarter of the year.  But I also prayed.  And I fasted during the holidays because it was so important for me not to wander in the desert any longer.

The result has been that, after an extended cry out to God, all the pieces are now falling into place.   And that place is scary, but I am doing it afraid.   Funny enough, in my years of cycling, I found it easy to be bold while in expectancy mode and talking about all that I will do, can do, and plan to do—if I ever got the chance.   I dreamed incessantly of being leaner, meaner, and waaaayyyyy more effective than I actually was.   Then, when the Lord said, “Go,” the next steps felt as if I was climbing Everest.  But I made them because they were necessary.

Fasting took me away from television and (ironically enough, as I write) from social media.   Now, let me say this.  Unlike some, I do believe there is power in social media for business people, bloggers, and generally, anybody with something to say/ do/ distribute who is not “well-heeled,” so to speak.   I have to remind myself, however, that I originally got on Facebook (my would-be nemesis) to build relationships with customers, not to have hour-long conversations that replace phone calls.   And by the time I scroll through a timeline and “visit” 3-4 people?   Forget about it.   Letting go of some of that for a spell helped me gain some control.   Now if I could just get a handle on my Pinterest habit…but it’s so addictive to my visual nature.

In the meantime, I still teach part-time.

I still educate our children at home.  (Did I mention that one of them is a graduating senior this year)?

micah and mom oct 2013

 

sav and reg engineering project 2015

You would think that I would be exhausted, but the amazing thing is, when I walked out of the desert, I am more alert and invigorated than ever.

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